Realisation
“Why do narcissists’ rages increase when they have found new supplies?
This is the stage where the narcissist starts hating you more and has lost interest in you. Narcissists are unable to tolerate your presence because your presence makes them angry and frustrated. You are considered the most horrible person; narcissists will treat you like you did nothing for them in a relationship. Whatever you did in a relationship will never be considered. Narcissists love bombing new supplies. Narcissists don’t want you to come close to them. Narcissists will pick up fights to give you silent treatment or will force you to leave them. This is the stage where narcissists are planning to leave you to focus on new supplies. The true face of narcissists is revealed when narcissists find new supplies. Narcissist is looking forward to replace you.”
April 2023
In April 2023, virtually 23 years to the day since our marriage, I slipped from the hypervigilant state into hyper freeze. The emotional and psychological pain had become too much to bear.
His childhood friend was terminally ill. Understandably he wanted to help and support him and his family. In February 2023 his friend was told that it was unlikely that he would see out 2023. So my husband stepped up, if there is one thing he is good at, it is being the ‘White Knight’. This is how covert narcissists are able to move under the radar. He hadn’t seen his friend for almost 10 years but slotted back into his life, picked up the reigns of support and couldn’t do enough for him and his wife - helping with getting the house ready for the inevitable, so she wasn’t left on her own with any house renovations.
There was a surprise birthday party for his friend, we were both invited, but I began to realise that he didn’t want me to go. He came up with a variety of excuses - ‘you won’t know anyone there’, ‘ **** isn’t going, so you will be on your own,’ ‘I know that you don’t like social situations like that, so just stay at home.’ I knew something wasn’t right and I suspected that he had told his friend and his wife that he and I were separated - which we weren’t. Why would they think any differently? He hadn’t worn his wedding ring for years, claiming it was too tight. Exactly the same story as when I first met him. We were still well and truly married in all senses of the word. But I accepted that he didn’t want me there and dutifully stayed at home.
The usual red flags started to show, I wish I could say that I have only seen them this once in our marriage. I wish I could say that I only ever felt the emotional pain, like a punch to the stomach, just once. But it was like welcoming an old friend back. The familiar ache in the depths of my gut. Knowing I would have to watch on the side lines while it all played out, unable to say anything, it was a waste of time trying. I knew what was happening, my gut told me but I would be accused once again of being a paranoid ‘jealous 16 year old schoolgirl.’
He told me that his friend’s wife was ‘going to be f****g loaded when he passes.’ ‘Her house is mortgage free and her and his kids have a very nice life insurance policy coming their way.’ He relished telling me that she earned £120K a year, letting the odd comment slip about her when he had spent full days helping her tile and paint, while his friend lay in bed dying. She is 12 years younger than me, earns a lot more money than I do - I knew 100% that was where he was heading next, that she was the new obsession, I couldn’t bear to be around to see it happen once again.
My sympathetic nervous system was basically hibernating me to protect my brain, I had hit my limit. My body’s survival instinct took over and employed a self-protection mechanism only it knew existed.
The signs of prolonged trauma had started to appear, dis-association, de-sensitisation, de-personalisation. I felt like I was losing my mind. My inner voice told me that I was in danger. I tried my GP, my private health insurance. No-one seemed to be taking me seriously, I imagine because I appeared to be coping and was on the surface, still functioning.
But thank goodness for instinct, a well-timed email and an organisation, who I can only describe as my angels. I knew, as they did, that I needed to go to Bali and let them work their magic and take care of me. I had a negative coping strategy I needed to change (alcohol) but more importantly, kick my most dangerous addiction - my husband.
For more photos and videos of my healing journey to Bali, please see my Instagram and Tiktok pages - links below.
Credits -
Carnes, P. (2015). Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications, Incorporated.
IDAS. (2023) idas.org.uk
Shahida Arabi (2023), This Powerful Manipulation Method Keeps You Bonded To Your Abuser
Shahida Arabi (2016), She who destroys the light