Discard
A narcissist’s modus operandi typically follows a pattern, love-bombing, devaluation and finally, discard - the most cruel and callous behaviour saved until last.
In my case, my abuser used discard repeatedly throughout our marriage, to the point where the daily pain was unbearable. I would be emotionally discarded for days, weeks, or months at a time, while his head was turned to someone else. She would get his attention, compliments, sometimes late at night texting when he thought I didn’t notice. Or the webcam girls during covid. Online sex in a one to one chat room with ‘Helga’ was preferable to real-life sex with me.
He was caught red handed numerous times but was always able to argue his way out of it. The 5 dating agencies he belonged to were ‘nothing’ and the messages he was sending to women on there were ‘probably going to a bloke called John in Hong Kong.’ What he didn’t realise was that I had copies of the emails he had been sending of his erect p***s to his online playmates - even when shown the evidence, he denied it and said he had sent the pictures to his own email as he had got cold feet. Completely untrue.
Then there was the search on his phone for escort agencies, the second mobile, unknown numbers that would repeatedly call. If I dared question any of this, the gas-lighting would start ‘you are so jealous, like a 16 year old schoolgirl, you are unhinged’. He conditioned me to believe that the problem was entirely mine, not his behaviour. As well as conditioning me, he began to condition my friends that I was unwell mentally (a delight I have found out since). ‘I know she is your friend but she is completely mad.’
He yearned for the jobs that took him working away from home, to return at weekends - a possible smoke screen to enable his sex addiction and fascination for escorts.
There were countless discrepancies and unacceptable behaviours that he effortlessly downplayed and blame-shifted to become my insecurities, jealousy and paranoia. All the while, exaggerating and inventing my ‘crimes’ to deflect the attention away from his. His lewd comments about our 18 year old daughter’s best friend, his request to another to touch the fresh tattoo on her buttock. The young employee who he texted at midnight telling her to ‘have a nice shag’, with her boyfriend, another vulnerable employee who he preyed on hounded and groomed in the hope that she would allow him into her life. The same girl who he also walked home from the pub in the early hours and followed in for a cuppa and a ‘chat’. The fellow drinker who he gave a lift home to (while over the limit) and then groped and fumbled around with in the front of our car.
It turns out that his nickname in our local pub was ‘letch’ as he used to sit at the bar and make a bee-line for pretty ladies. Apparently he had a few knock backs but the rumours about him and the 24 year old waitress are said to be true.
These are what I know of, likely the tip of the iceberg. I am sure there will be more treats to come as time passes and news of more indiscretions crawl out of the woodwork.
His behaviour was repeatedly trivialised and normalised. The lies, deceit, gaslighting, mind games, conditioning, humiliation, belittling and projection, serving as cruel tactics akin to an animal playing with its prey. Some animals do this in order to tire it out before eating it to reduce their risk of injury. Some humans do this just for fun.
Realisation
Then in April 2023, virtually 23 years to the day since our marriage, I slipped from the hypervigilant state into hyper freeze. The emotional and psychological pain became too much to bear. The man who I thought loved me and I would have walked over hot coals for, suddenly showed his true self…….
For more photos and videos of my healing journey to Bali, please see my Instagram and Tiktok pages - links below.
Credits -
Carnes, P. (2015). Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications, Incorporated.
IDAS. (2023) idas.org.uk
Shahida Arabi (2023), This Powerful Manipulation Method Keeps You Bonded To Your Abuser
Shahida Arabi (2016), She who destroys the light