Leaving
Leave
Leave the man who uses your dreams
As doormats
Wiping his feet as he comes and goes
Leave the man who sucks you dry so he can feel
What it is like to have a shadow of warmth inside of him
Your spirit pulsating like blood beneath his flesh
Telling you to have thicker skin
Leave the man who uses your body as shelter but not a home
Who uses his words as stones and his silence
Like sticks to bruise your broken bones
Leave the man who breaks your wings
And uses them for crutches
Just so he can learn to fly
Shahida Arabi - She who destroys the light.
At an altitude of 38,000 feet, I realise I have absolutely no idea how I got here. I am on a Qatar airways flight, headed for Doha. Feeling completely numb and surrounded by an infinite void of nothingness. What I do know is, I am broken, I don’t feel anything. No fear, no regret, no looking back. The only sense I have left is that my whole body is telling me that I am on the right path.
said goodbye to my kids, my grandkids and took most of my clothes to the charity bank
I left my home in England this morning, said goodbye to my kids, my grandkids and took most of my clothes to the charity bank on the way to the train station. I don't want to go back to my life as it was, I can't. 3 days ago I decided I needed to take a leap of faith and go to Bali in search of healing. I didn't think about it, booked onto a 4 week rehab programme, bought a flight and here I am.
I have come to realise that I have spent a couple of decades living in a perpetual state of survival - the 'fight or flight' state. Anxious, tense, racing heartbeat, palpitations, panic attacks and night terrors have plagued me. This can be attributed partially to my ADHD but also to the constant fear, uncertainty and walking on eggshells that my children and I have endured for many years.
An ogre has been living in our house, that no-one would believe existed. He lives behind closed doors and dons his mask when appearing in public. The mask stays firmly on, apart from the odd occasion when it slips, only to be quickly readjusted.
He is charismatic, witty, gregarious, charming, attractive and possesses a magnetic personality that effortlessly draws people in. He has the power to make you feel like a million dollars, when he wants to. However there is another side to him, possessing a very dark, simmering, moody, sulky, irritable temperament that can quickly turn sour over the smallest of offenses.
The love-bombing
When we first met, he enveloped me with love and desire and gifted me an increased sense of self-worth. He wove his compliments around me, boosting my chronically low self-esteem. He lavished me with affection, undivided attention and even vowed to bring me flowers every week for the rest of our relationship. He created a safe, loving space for me and made me the center of his world.
We shared inside jokes, while he fashioned me into his soulmate. He feigned shared interests and mirrored many aspects of my personality, convincing me that we were a perfect match. All the while playing the victim, telling me stories of betrayal and poor treatment from his ‘ex’ wife. I truly believed I had found the one, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
This person was not real, he didn't exist. He was an expertly crafted fraud. It has taken 26 years for me to see and accept this horrifying truth.
For more photos and videos of my healing journey to Bali, please see my Instagram and Tiktok pages - links below.